Q: I’m a 30-year-old straight woman in a three-year relationship with my live-in partner, who is also 30. I love him and he loves me and he wants to make a life with me. However, in this pandemic, the stress is so great that I have lost all desire to have sex. I don’t want anyone touching me right now, not even myself. I feel like I’m in survival mode. I lost the career I love and I’m working four different jobs to make up for it. I have also been coming to terms in therapy with a sexual trauma I suffered, which is making me want to be touched even less. He’s been extremely patient, and says that we can work through it, but I’m really worried that this is the death knell for our relationship. I’m really trying to figure out ways to get myself back in good working order, Dan, but honestly I’m just trying to survive every day right now. Help? —Witty Acronym Here
There’s no guarantee your relationship will survive this (the pandemic), that (your crushing workload), or the other thing (the trauma you’re working through in therapy). Any one of those things or some other thing could wind up being the death knell for your relationship. But the only way to find out if your desire for your partner will kick back into gear post-pandemic, post-career-crisis, and post-coming-to-terms-with-past-sexual-trauma is to hang in there, WAH, and reassess once you’re past those posts. Will you two still be together once you’re out of survival mode? Survive and find out. Good luck.
A: Your fiancé has to choose: he can have you or he can have his closet but he can’t have both. It’s not about telling him what to do, FIANCE, it’s about setting boundaries around what you’re willing to do. And for the last six years you let him drag you back into the closet—you were willing to pretend to be his friend or his roommate—but you’re not willing to do that anymore. If he wants to have a life with you, he can choose to come out. If he’s not willing to come out, he’ll have to learn to live without you. v
