Q: I’m a 25-year-old woman currently in a poly relationship with a married man roughly 20 years my senior. This has by far been the best relationship I’ve ever had. However, something has me a bit on edge. We went on a trip with friends to a brewery with a great restaurant. It was an amazing place, and I’m sure his wife would enjoy it. He mentioned the place to her, and her response was NO, she didn’t want to go there because she didn’t want to have “sloppy seconds.” It made me feel dirty. Additionally, the way he brushed this off means this isn’t the first time. I go out of my way to show him places I think they would like to go together. I don’t know if my feelings are just hurt—if it’s as childish as I think it is—or if it’s a reminder of my very low place in their hierarchy. I hesitate to bring this up, because when I have needs or concerns, they label me as difficult or needy. Should I do anything to address this or just continue to stay out of their business and go where I wish with my partner? —Treated With Outrage
That said . . . As you (probably) know (but if you don’t, you’re about to find out), poly relationships have all kinds of (sometimes incredibly arbitrary but also incredibly important) rules. If one of the rules is “My wife doesn’t want to hear from or about my girlfriend,” TWO, then your restaurant recommendations are going to fall flat. Being poly means navigating rules (and sometimes asking to renegotiate those rules) and juggling multiple people’s feelings, needs, and concerns. You have to show respect for their rules, TWO, as they are each other’s primary partners. But your boyfriend and his wife have to show respect for you too. Secondary though you may be, your needs, concerns, feelings, etc, have to be taken into consideration. And if their rules make you feel disrespected, unvalued, or too low on the hierarchical poly totem pole, you should dump them.
A: I don’t think you’re poly, POLY, because I don’t think anyone is poly. I also don’t think anyone is monogamous. Polyamory and monogamy aren’t sexual orientations, IMO, they’re relationship models. And if the polyamorous model is making you miserable, POLY, it might not be right for you. But you should ask yourself whether polyamory is making you miserable or whether the people you’re doing polyamory with are. People in awful monogamous relationships rarely blame monogamy for their woes—even when monogamy is a factor—but the stigma against nontraditional relationship models, to say nothing of sex negativity, often leads people to blame polyamory for their misery when the actual cause isn’t the model, POLY, it’s the people. v
