Q: I’m a 29-year-old straight woman in Pennsylvania. My question is to do with choking and consent. I’ve had two experiences in the past six months or so where someone has tried to choke me without my consent. The first time this happened, I coughed immediately but he tried multiple times during sex. I was caught so off guard that I didn’t say anything until the next morning. I told him I wasn’t OK with that and that it was too much. The second time, I shook my head as soon as he put his hand on my throat and he stopped immediately. I told him, “That scared the shit out of me.” He apologized for startling me and said he wouldn’t do it again. My question is, why is this a thing? The fact that this has happened to me more than once in a short period of time kind of shocked me. And what is the appropriate thing to do when this happens? What should I do with the person who does this? —Concerned Hetero Over Kinky Entitled Dumbasses
Men who choked women were the biggest single group of chokers, CHOKED, followed by men choking men, women choking women, and trans and gender nonbinary individuals choking and being choked. Straight cisgender men, perhaps unsurprisingly, were the least likely to report that partners choked them during sex. Trans and gender nonbinary participants in Dr. Herbenick’s research more often reported that their partners established consent prior to choking, but across the board there was still a great deal of nonconsensual choking going on.
“Now I’m not one of those people who says explicit verbal consent is needed for every hug or kiss or breast/chest touch,” said Dr. Herbenick. “I’m well aware that sex often involves verbal, nonverbal, and other shades of asking for something. But no one should choke another person without their explicit verbal consent.”
So what do you do the next time some dude grabs your throat? (And there will, sadly, most likely be a next time.) You immediately tell them to stop. Don’t cough, don’t deflect, don’t prioritize their feelings in the moment or worry about ruining the mood and derailing the sex. Use your words: “Don’t choke me, I don’t like that, it’s not sexy to me and it’s not safe, and you should’ve asked.” If they apologize and don’t try it again, great. Maybe you can keep fucking. But if they pout or act annoyed or insist you might like it after you’ve just finished telling them you definitely don’t like it, get up and leave. And if someone tried to choke you during sex and you shut it down and they pivoted to mutually enjoyable sex acts, CHOKED, be sure to raise the subject after sex. Make sure they understand you don’t want that to happen again and that you expect them to be more conscientious about consent the next time—if there is a next time.
A: Thank you for writing, RDR—thank you to everyone who wrote. I’ve reached out to DISCORD privately and will forward your e-mails to her. I should’ve pushed back when DISCORD ruled out divorce as an option. Here’s hoping DISCORD takes your advice over mine. v
