QMy fiancee is extremely bothered by me looking at porn. It revolves around insecurities that have gotten so bad that even other girls bother her. (We can hardly go to a beach anymore.) I don’t have any weird relationship with porn—no addiction, no violent stuff, and I look pretty infrequently. She acknowledges that it’s a normal thing but is unable to get past it. She has gone through two counselors on her own, and we have gone through two couples counselors. They have all said the same thing: “It’s completely reasonable to want him to not look at porn, and if he loves you, he won’t look at it anymore.” I have been asked how often I look at it, why I won’t stop looking at it, why it is so important to me. They have recommended “clinics” to help me abstain from porn. This all happens after both of us say that our goal is for this—me looking at porn very occasionally—to not be a problem and even after we’ve told them that she used to be totally OK with it (four years ago) but now she feels crazy and doesn’t want to feel this way about it. Our last therapist said my refusal to go to a clinic showed that we had a toxic relationship! I’m dumbfounded. Every time we see a therapist like this, it damages our relationship. —Lack of Sane Therapists
But Ley wonders if something else is at work here. “LOST’s fiancee might be dealing with a form of anxiety disorder, where obsession is sometimes expressed through irrational fears of infidelity,” said Ley. “A therapist who specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) for anxiety disorders may be helpful, and less likely to get distracted by blaming porn.”
“Sexual arousal is very good at diverting us from things we’re bothered by,” said Ley. “For many people, that’s fine, and it works great to let off steam. But if you’re not taking care of the real issue—loneliness, depression, stress—then the porn use can sometimes become its own problem.”
PS: I love eating his ass, and I always come when we do this.
