Q: I’ve always been excited by BDSM but I’ve only minimally explored this side of myself until very recently. I’m a straight woman and it was difficult to find men who wanted more monogamish relationships on the traditional apps and a challenge to be honest about what I am looking for where kink is concerned. I’d often get through a month or so of seeing someone before finding out they wanted a completely monogamous relationship and that they were very vanilla in the bedroom to boot. I was tired of wasting my time and needed to find a partner who wanted to enjoy a kinky relationship so I moved from traditional dating apps like Bumble and Hinge and to apps like #Open, Fetlife, and KinkD. While I’ve had a few amazing conversations and meetups, they’ve primarily been with men in open relationships, couples, or guys only looking to hook up. And it seems most people on kinky apps want to only talk about sex. While I do feel drawn to this lifestyle, I am also looking for a partner. I want someone to spend my life with who can also enjoy the kink community with me. How can I find a guy that wants a life partner and a fun and kinky sex life? —Seeks Partner And Needs Kink

Whichever kind of app you meet a guy on, you’re going to have to do the same two things—the same work, the same vetting, the same screw diligence—just in a different order. When you meet a guy on Bumble, SPANK, you establish baseline emotional compatibility first and then eventually you have a conversation about sex. With guys you meet on KinkD, you establish baseline sexual compatibility first—by talking about your mutual sexual interests—and eventually get around to determining whether you’re emotionally compatible.

Q: I expect many of your astute readers will have written to you about this, but here goes anyway: You described the wannafuckmath when arranging a foursome as far more complicated than the wannafuckmath when arranging a threesome. But the wannafuckmath isn’t actually very complicated. For any n-some, the Wannafuck number = n • (n-1). So for the humble twosome, it’s 2 • 1. Two! Just what you’d expect. For a threesome, it’s 6. For a foursome, it’s 12. So a foursome is wannafuckmathematically six times more complicated than a twosome but only twice as complicated as a threesome. Even the rarely seen hundredsome only has a wannafuck number of 9,900: large, perhaps unachievable, but not infinite. —Math Is Sexy Today and Yesterday